16/06/2024

I cried today. I am crying as I write this. Before I cried, I stood outside the car, waiting in the light drizzle, feeling dejected. I asked myself why I should be sad after spending my time in the presence of my Father. Why be sad after a beautiful Sunday Service? I couldn’t answer these questions, and so, I covered my face and crieddd in the car. It felt good, relieving.

I am usually not the sad person. It’s easy for some people to be sad. Not me. Sadness isn’t something I allow easily. It’s something I fight to keep away from myself. I realize now that I have been fighting for some time now and today, I just couldn’t hold the house any longer. It all came crashing down on me. My strength and my boast in it failed me today.

• I am sad because my days and time aren’t going according to my routine. I no longer have my boast in listening to messages and being up to date with the current emphasis. I no longer have my boast in spiritual activities I used to once be a champion at. My life is just all over the place. I can’t seem to gather it or make sense of it. It’s like I am on the ground with shards of my life around me. It’s no longer arranged the way I want it to be. And somewhere, I know God is still in every shard. I know He’s exposing me to something deeper beyond routines and what nots. He’s exposing me to a life He has been preparing me for. I had the revelation. I had the Word. Now it’s time to face the reality of the life, and it has been a bitter-sweet experience.
• I am sad because people say I look stressed, and I don’t know what to do to look unstressed. My sister told me my hair was rough, and I was looking shabby with the breakout on my face. I made this hair 2 weeks ago. I am not pained because of the money I spent. It’s the fact that I have to make another one. I usually like to take breaks when I take down a major hairstyle so my edges can rest and my hair isn’t under duress. I am sad because there’s a certain standard in appearance that I have to maintain at my workplace. So I can’t just do twists with my hair and be happy. I have to suffer to look a certain way and please certain people. I am also sad because no one ever sees it from this POV.
• I am sad when I think about work.
• I am sad because I haven’t seen my dad in 8 years. Today’s Father’s day and everyone is celebrating their fathers. I miss my Daddy. I miss the days when he was present. When I was 5 and I would listen to songs with him. When I was 10 and we would wake up early on Sundays for drum lessons. I’m no longer angry with him. I just wish he could be a father to me and love me and treat me like his baby girl. I am tired of being so tough, of being a nutcase.
• I am sad about my face.
• I am sad that when I was crying in the car, they didn’t show empathy like I wanted them to. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing that I am sad. Because normally, I would just not feel anything or think it’s normal for people not to care. But feeling something shows that I am okay and not an ice cold queen.
• I am sad because I am investing too much energy in this boy. Thinking about him, hoping he would communicate better so we can forge a friendship, worrying my head about something that may never be. I am scheduled to see my pastor tomorrow to discuss my untoward feelings for him. Feelings that are beginning to flicker each day. I don’t think I want to see him again but I cannot avoid it.
• I am sad that when I am vulnerable to people, they become antagonistic to me which makes me feel like a clown for being vulnerable in the first place.

Okay, I think I should stop here.

What am I going to do? Rejoice and keep pouring my heart out to my Lord. Only He can take this burden away. For 4 days now, I have been listening and dancing to Bro Lanre Awosika’s worship medley ‘I will rejoice for He has made me glad.’

I will keep dancing. Dancing till all this sadness is vaporized.

Thank You, Jesus.