How do I even begin this? What do I even say? Why am I even doing this?
Life has been beautiful. God has been merciful. Life has been the peace I experience while walking through Yaba Bridge on my way home in the evenings, fast cars, blinding lights, drinking yogurt, streaming prayer meetings, or listening to a message, praying, or meditating.
Life has been filled with colours like the sunset in the skies over Obalende Bridge in the evenings.
Life has been a tornado with God uprooting natures contradictory to His.
Life has been memorable this year, and I thank God for who He is and what He did in me. I can never thank Him enough. He became realer to me this year.
Here’s my 2023 End of year review. I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem jumbled, repetitive, or vague, and unstructured.
On Spiritual Growth
Did I grow spiritually? Yes. That’s it. I don’t think I can describe the rapid shift I experienced this year. I mean I could spend the next few paragraphs lamenting on how I didn’t grow up as God wanted me to, or I could thank Him for bringing me this far, heart still sturdy in pursuit of the hope of Everlasting and Eternal Life. It’s a huge testimony that I allowed God to lead me this year and that I am still in the company of the Word of righteousness, hungry, following, and repenting. This year was my weakest. Last year, I was concerned that I wasn’t reading my Bible well, praying, listening to messages, and so on. This year, God showed me that He wanted me to live. LIFE. LINES. That was what this year was all about. He opened me up to the reality of living beyond the routine. Real-life issues.
Some days ago, I was worried that my spiritual growth wasn’t measuring up to some metrics. For instance, people always have a word to share on their status from their fellowship time with God. Or the birthday hangout I was at some days ago, after prayers for the celebrant, a brother received a word for them, and another bore witness to it. That was something I thought about later. How come I wasn’t receiving words for myself, for people? I envy people who talk about asking God questions and God answering them. I don’t ask questions, and I guess that’s just a flaw I grew up with. I prefer to assume or just shut up and go with it.
But then, later, I also thought of how my relationship with my Mother has improved more than last year. This year, we didn’t fight. I got into some altercations at work and ended up making amends. This gave me wisdom on how to manage relationships at work. I learned to love my sisters better. I admit that I still struggle with some sisters and brothers I do not like. But the first step to healing is the knowledge of the disease, so yeah, I’ve been doing some mind work; liking them in my thoughts first and not just external diplomatic malice, lol. I learned submission to spiritual authority in a defining way. I think these metrics also count. Does it mean I’ll discard the ones I first mentioned? Naah, but I won’t force it. Growth is measured by how much I am relinquishing the old man in me and putting on the nature of Christ.
On Family
My parents are getting a divorce. Now, why am I putting it out here? Is it because I need pity? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing I know is that pity sometimes can be like the water that washes up at the shore of the beach. It removes sand and brings it back. Human pity is limited. God’s pity is Mercy, and God has been very pitiful to me in these times.
My mummy broke the news to me some weeks ago, and it has been a battle of thoughts. From the hurt, pain, and loneliness, to the fear of bearing that stigma ‘child from a divorced home.’ Lately, Satan tried to taunt me that it would be hard for any brother to want to marry me. But I will not let that voice have the upper hand in my thoughts. I believe everything and every promise in the Bible for me.
I thank God for my pastors and brethren who have been holding my hands. Family was a lot for me this year. Responsibilities, learning to find my strength in God, emotional trauma from the past, and confronting truths I denied. Overall, I am learning to trust God for my brother, my mum, and my dad. My family seemed like a dead weight I used to carry all around, but God, through spiritual authority, is teaching me to detach and hand it to Him completely.
I also thank God for providing me with a surrogate family. I prayed for it last year or so, and He answered in the form of Bro Bayo, Sister Chiamaka, and Arnalda Odumosu. It’s been a beautiful journey of learning and unlearning.
On Work
I tried to leave again this year. Lmao. Escape plan gone wrong. Desperation and Anger drove me to apply to about 50 places, and all I got were rejections, no responses, one interview, and an invitation to be part of a talent hub. At the end of the day, this is what I told my pastor:
I also listened to a message at Team 101: Brethren in Business prayer meeting where I learned that God doesn’t want you to see shege in a place before taking you out. I realized that I was enduring without allowing God work in me. I was like ‘Oh, I’ll endure this and that so that God can quickly take me out of here to that better job or company.’ Lmao, God must be looking at me like ‘Keep trying.’ I also don’t want to become so forceful and aggressive with my demands that He pities me and takes me out without finishing His work in me. I want the full profit. I want life.
I thank God for my colleagues, made some cool acquaintances, stepped on some toes, and got to counsel some really amazing people. Seems I am an interesting person that people like to be around. It makes me so happy. I used to think I had this natural air around me that made me repulsive to people.
Once again, I suffered burnout this year. I had malaria about four times this year. I was tired, exhausted, worn out, you name it. But I thank God for healing and strength. I am learning to manage my body better and not become a workaholic. Before I forget, I was promoted this year and was a top 3 nominee in the ‘Devotion to Customers Award.’
On relationships
Hahaha, this one is funny. I suffered heartbreak this year. Wrote about it here: https://medium.com/@eniolaoladeji/rage-31647f7206ca and that’s all I am going to say about it. Not going into details, because it is very hilarious
I got some subtle shots this year, but the hard girl that I am, I dodged them.
Haha. I’ll be fine. I need more Ghost. In 2023, I was lonely at some point and craved a male’s affection. This was because of so many declarations and marriages in my community. Then I opened up to my pastor, and he told me I needed to be more ghosted. Ouch, that hurt. But truth hurts. I am learning to drink into the ghost, into the world of God’s pleasure, so drunk that the brother may need to slap me when he comes and be like ‘It’s time! I am the One!’ (not a physical slap, lol).
I think I became worse at texting people. I can’t even justify this. I have no explanations. It cost me friendships. My restitution next year is to respond to people on time and not air them for weeks.
But I made so many beautiful friends and closer friends, and I love it. Here’s something I said about that:
On Me
I’m healing. That’s all I can say. God is healing me from all the psychological, emotional, and social trauma I have experienced. I’m not who I was last year. I am becoming better. In this season, God has been teaching me to open my mouth and talk. Learn to say no and not be taken advantage of by people negatively. It’s something my younger brother and I are dealing with. I also learned to take corrections because corrections are good. They are proof of growth, not perfection. I got corrected on my fashion sense, communication skills, and so many other things. Men, it hurt like hell but God helped me adjust. I don’t like to use the word criticize because it sounds like condemn. Hence, my use of the word ‘correction.’
I’m also glad that I am learning not to overthink things. On Sunday, I saw a sister who I think is too critical of me. When she saw me, she said ‘Ahan, ‘Desola, this one you’re shining these days, hope there’s nothing.’ To which I responded ‘But I’ve always been shining na.’
I realized that I needed to say that so I wouldn’t overthink it and see it has a derogatory remark. I also think that somewhere somewhere, my response was a jab at her, and I have repented.
God made me see how beautiful I am. I mean, why did I allow Satan deceive me all these years? My beauty is God’s beauty in me, and men, it’s breathtaking. Shout-out to the future Neo (One). Outside — I full ground. Inside — No shaking.
He really helped me this year. That’s the line.
On other things, I cannot categorize:
- On meeting my savings target of 1 million naira. I did it. But then, I had to learn to give, especially since we had a special series on financial stewardship. And no, I am not giving myself any scores on how much or how well I gave this year. At first, it was scary because my savings provided a sort of security for me, for the future. But as I allowed God be my CFO, it became easier. And it’s one thing I am learning to do as each day comes. My savings right now ehn. Oluwa is involved.
- I went out more this year (I think😹). Attended one wedding and two birthday hangouts. Here’s proof 👇🏾
- I fell in love with Sondae’s music and with Sondae himself. Very proud of myself. I explored music beyond my normal normal. But as usual, I was very guarded and careful.
- My skin skinned. Omo, I glowed this year. E no easy. Maintained 3 beauty brands, and it has been bliss. All thanks to Arami, Dove, and Olaedo.
- I invested in my appearance this year. I was very deliberate about it. 😹got shoes, and clothes from abroad (not my money), improved my make-up skills, and smashed my hair game. I had to learn to spend on myself. It was so strange at first. But there were instructions. Imagine me buying sneakers for 14k. I felt it was too much. See me, see God looking at me.
- Can’t say I accomplished anything career wise this year. Came to work, did my work, went home. Planning on taking this salesforce course in 2024. 300 dollarszz. So provide for me God.
- I became better at dancing. Currently learning how to moonwalk.
- I also became better at writing. Published 5 articles this year and 2 were fictions (I think). Beat that!
- Pride and Prejudice was my best movie this year. I know, I know. Since I said I don’t watch romance. But I wouldn’t classify this movie as romance. It’s different from the immoral movies out there. Stay safe, kids.
- My cooking game improved. I still have a long way to go in becoming womanly. But I trust God for help.
- I was involved in a movie. You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/dzXIlOMZWbs?si=dGIvN-YjGa4BA_gn
Overall, 2023 was a beautiful year. Thank you for making it this far. I am sorry I don’t have a banger ending like last year. I really want to sleep. Work resumes tomorrow.
See you in December 2024!
